January 25, 2016
Blogging about topics that inspire, educate or humor strangers is what we do. For me it seems to be a form of therapy!
The last few days, (okay, 2 weeks) I’ve been wrestling with myself. Joyful days, distressing days, energetic moments but mostly pitiful ones, ugh. It’s like I’m part of a society I don’t want to be part of. Part of me understands, but part of me cannot snap out of it.
While incarcerated, my laser beam focus was to “get out and go home”. That was my purpose, my intention, my drive to get up and knock another day down.
Everyone has a job in Prison, everybody. It’s up to you to find one, or you will be assigned to the kitchen/dining facility. For most inmates, the kitchen is considered the worst place to work. Sweeping floors, picking up mustard saturated wilted lettuce that apparently missed the big mouth of a discriminating critic, or scooping out unidentifiable leftover food into foul-smelling garbage cans. No matter how fast or how careful be prepared to be bawled out most days. Other inmates are constantly displaying their dissatisfaction with your incompetence. (No tipping permitted).
I set out to find a job anywhere but the kitchen/dining facility. Personally I felt I could add value in the Education Center, even if they were only looking for someone to clean the “staff bathrooms”. I proudly wanted that job!
The hiring personnel told me, she wasn’t ready to hire this crucial person, but she had concerns I would not be able to handle this big-league position. When I asked why, she said I seemed too timid. TIMID! I am a rookie to Prison and scared to death. TIMID, of course I’m TIMED…I really want this job!!!
She looked at me and said, “Pasut, you come back here in 1 week like a roaring lion and I will consider you”. A roaring lion? In prison? Hmmmm.
Actually, I could use that advice today. Presently, I feel scared, fatigued, weary and weak. (I know you never feel that, just me…I’m the only loser). I’m not sure what my “job” is these days. Who am I now? Being in the space, between released and what’s my next step is like stepping into the air.
Being a faithful women, I do believe Satan brings a weariness to the body and can keep us from harvesting what God has in store for us. But I also, believe if I continue to press forward by asking for courage, and exercise those “faith muscles”, this too will pass. (Until next time…ugh)
I do confess, I have countless days, I examine my own faith, but my strength rises from an all knowing and whole heartily believing in God’s word.
You might not recognize me today, I am a lion!